


Heavy Crown

by MidnightFlower01



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Homophobia, Lesbian Katya Zamolodchikova, Lesbian Trixie Mattel, Pearl Liason - Freeform, Physical Abuse, YouTube, kimchi - Freeform, some hurt, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:21:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27135170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightFlower01/pseuds/MidnightFlower01
Summary: Beatrice Mattel is a famous youtuber who feels restrained by her controlling mother. Yekaterina Zamolodchikova is a camera woman working towards creating a happy future and leaving her past behind. Their lives become more complicated when their paths intertwine, but perhaps meeting was the best thing to happen to them both.*Disclaimer: Though some Characters in this share the same names as people irl, I am not trying to glamourize or villainize anyone- This work is purely fictional.*
Relationships: Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixya
Comments: 55
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

Trixie took a deep breath before stepping out of the car and walking round to meet her mom at the other side. She breathed out. Okay. It will be okay.  


“Remember what I told you Beatrice?” Her mother took both of Trixie’s hands in hers and squeezed a little bit too harshly. “The Beatrice Mattel Brand has a lot to uphold. This con is not a time for you to have fun. Use this time to network, create some more opportunities and make some money for your family.” Her smile didn’t quite make it to her eyes. Their relationship had always been strained and Trixie knew she only dealt with her daughter because she made money. “Oh, and if you show yourself up”- Val tapped under Trixie’s chin so she would make eye contact – “I don’t have to remind you there will be consequences."  


Trixie nodded, and nervously twisted the silver band on her finger. Her mother was ahead now so she picked up her pace, following her into the huge convention centre. The sound of raucous laughter and high-pitched squeals filled her head. The bright white lights were slightly blinding and the thought of heading into the bustling crowd in front of her gave Trixie a splitting headache. She felt a wave of sickness wash over her.

“Val, I need to grab some water, but I will be back in time for my first panel I promise.” She squeezed passed her mom before she could argue and made a beeline for the nearest empty corridor. 

Okay. It would be okay. Trixie tried to reassure herself that she would get through the day quickly. The sounds of the crowds were far away now so she could focus on finding a drinks machine. Her breathing began to steady, and she set off to look. As she rounded the corner, Trixie was startled by the impact against her body and a loud “Oh fuck!”. Trixie halted and looked up to see a stunning blonde woman holding out an empty cup with coffee all down the front of her shirt.  


The blonde woman grinned “Thanks a bunch… this was a new top.” 

Trixie’s brow furrowed but then her jaw dropped open when she realised what she had done. “Oh my god! I am so so sorry! I can make it up to you or buy you a new top or something. I wasn’t watching where I was going. I-”

“Hey kid” The blonde laughed “I’m not complaining about some barbie doll making me all wet.”  


Trixie’s face burned red and the blonde chuckled some more. Trixie reached out her hand “I’m Trixie. Trixie Mattel.”

The Russian woman’s eyes widened, and she gently reached out to grab Trixie’s arm. “I know you! Beatrice Mattel? I’m on the camera crew for your interview. I thought I recognised the pink hair.” She glanced down at her stained top then continued “Well doll, I will see you later. I’ve got a shirt that needs changing before work.”

Trixie glanced down in embarrassment. So much for making a good impression. “I’m sorry let me know if you cant get the stain out and ill pay for the top. It was nice meeting you.” Trixie noticed Katya’s hand squeeze her arm and she placed her hand on the Russian woman’s hip, stepping in closer. “I'll see you later. Oh and please call me Trixie.”

Katya paused for a moment, taking in the close proximity of the two and then withdrew her hand to run a thumb over Trixie’s cheek. “See you, Trixie.” She turned and skipped around the corner, obviously hurrying to change her clothes. 

Trixie smiled. A sense of calm settled over her, but something was nagging her. A tightness in her stomach which she needed to repress. She poured a drink at the machine before tugging at her collar and making her way through the crowds to start her panel. Her anxiety had settled slightly at the thought of seeing the camera woman again. This day might be easier than she thought after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Hours had passed by and Trixie had been dragged through interview after interview to discuss the makeup company which had spiralled from being her passion project into the capitalist machine her mother had created. The YouTube channel had started out with Trixie showcasing different makeup looks to the public for her own fun, an escape from home even. When the viewers grew and she began to earn sponsorships, Val and her husband caught wind of the funds Trixie could earn. For the last 4 years now, Trixie’s life had been controlled by the pair- her late teens and early twenties had been lost to becoming a professional businesswoman under the public’s eye. She was 22 now and hadn’t even attempted to touch a girl in 3 years. Not since her stepdad had walked in on her and her girlfriend at the time kissing in the kitchen. 

Now she was used to the physical and mental abuse he subjected her to. Val didn’t help either, he wasn’t in the wrong in her eyes, and she insisted Trixie owed them something for being a sinner and a Dyke. She had pressed the fact that this could never be found out and Trixie should never think of a woman in that way again. When her fans had started commenting wondering if Trixie had a boyfriend, she had shied away from the comments entirely but Val decided this was a harmful narrative and arranged for more collaborations between Beatrice and another popular content creator- Jamie Sykes. 

“Beatrice your next interview is starting in 2 minutes.” Trixie was pulled out her thoughts as her mother bustled her into a small, dimly lit room and seated her on a leather chair in front of a person she had never met before but heard lots about. Their stony face stared back at them, ruthless. Trixie knew they were infamous for their harsh publications of the interviewees. It made her nervous, so she glanced up to find her mom’s eyes. Instead she was met with a dazzling grin from behind one of the cameras- The Russian lady she had been waiting all day to see again. Trixie smiled back at her when she was interrupted by a cough from the interviewer. She turned towards the man, pushing away the intrusive thoughts of slamming that camera woman again the wall and kissing her. It certainly wouldn’t gain her any points from her mother. Blushing, Trixie crossed her legs and decided to pay attention.

The interview went by fairly normally, with the man in front of her barrelling off the same questions she had heard all day. Trixie’s answers were vague, her mind not fully invested in her appearance or public persona. Eventually her attention was brought back with another cough from the interviewer.  


“Miss Mattel, I was asking if you had any updates in your personal life that your fans would be interested in? Any budding romances on the horizon?”  


Trixie glanced up at the Russian: ‘yes’ she thought to herself ‘I would like to truly and thoroughly bang the woman stood behind that camera’. That is what she had wanted to answer. Instead she looked down at her lap and took a breath. She knew her mother had pre-prepared the questions to send to this interviewer. She also knew the answer Trixie herself had been fed meticulously, every detail of her life already pre-calculated for clicks and views. Val’s eyes burned into the side of her head and Trixie realised she had left the question too long. She squeezed the ring on her finger and put on a smile. “Um, I guess the answer would be yes.” Trixie tried to turn away from the look of disappointment and betrayal crossing the Russians face. “I’m sure my fans will be pleased to hear that me and my friend slash fellow youtuber, Jamie Sykes, have made it official.” She continued to drawl out the long, rehearsed speech. “He took me to my favourite restaurant last night and asked me to be his girlfriend”. Trixie smiled, but the happy expression didn’t quite reach her eyes.

The interviewer clapped his hands together. “Well, that’s wonderful news. I’m glad you’ve found happiness.” Trixie hummed; her mind preoccupied by how she might have hurt that beautiful camera woman. She chewed her slip slightly to distract from the tears welling up in her eyes. She had to get her number before the Russian left. The interviewer began to close the segment and Trixie absent-mindedly bantered with him.

She stood up as soon as cut was called and stepped towards the crew. And arm reached out and scooped her up forcefully. Valerie began to babble about the tight schedule they had, taking Trixie’s wrist, and steering her out of the room. She looked frantically behind her and was happy to catch the other woman’s eye, smiling desperately, hoping to encapsulate all her feelings in that one glance. And then she was gone. 

The rest of the day was colourless, and Trixie looked forwards to escaping the hellish convention centre, instead being able to sleep of the emotions of the day. A burning shame was eating her up from the inside and she couldn’t help but feel terrible for leading the woman on without clarification of her whole situation. Sleep didn’t come easily, however: Trixie lay awake with memories of the Russians gentle grip on her arm, her shit-eating grin and her strange Russian/American accent. The way she had said her name sounded like gold in her ears. She groaned and rolled over, considering how controlled every detail of life was. She knew she couldn’t escape it, she had to learn to love it. Try to love her mother, try to love her boyfriend… try to love boys. When she finally drifted off, though, it was the camerawoman’s face which painted her dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

Katya threw herself down onto the sofa with a pint of Ice-cream in her hand. God, she was a sorry sight- throwing herself a pity party over a 2-minute conversation with a pretty girl. What had she become? She scoffed at herself.

“How was the convention?” Violet chucked her purse on the side table and shut the front door behind her with a click. She walked towards the living room and looked Katya up and down. Katya huffed at her question so Violet placed herself gently next to her Russian friend. “Woah, who got your panties all in a twist?”

“That’s the issue. My panties are very much still intact, Chachki.” She loaded a huge spoonful of Ice-cream into her mouth, to which Violet raised an eyebrow, and continued. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” Squeezing her eyes closed, all Katya could see was the beautiful pink haired girl. She imagined her bright laugh and remembered her hand on her hip.  


“Jesus, Yekaterina. What has gotten into you? I don’t think I have seen you pine over a girl like this in a long fucking time. It’s actually kind of disgusting.” Katya couldn’t disagree so she slouched further into the crease of the couch. “Besides, you clearly only met this kid today – you’ll get over it. Give it a few weeks.” Violet walked round the back of the couch to her room and patted Katya’s shoulder, perhaps a bit more forcefully than normal. 

Katya sighed and popped the Ice-cream to one side. She hated to admit it, but Violet was right. Today had been a nerve-wracking day for her. She chuckled even thinking back to the morning, her hand shaking so much she couldn’t make a cup of coffee. It had been her first day working with a new team and that was always stressful. Yes- she was only a substitute for the day and would be heading back to her day job on a big film set tomorrow but it was still scary. Katya was happy working in a team comprised of hundreds. Today there had been 5 of them and that had scared her shitless. Perhaps she was merely mixing up her feelings of relief with meeting someone actually nice, that she was confusing those emotions with lust? Love? She didn’t know. That was it. Trixie had just been a vice for her, so why couldn’t she get the youtuber out of her head even being back in the safety of her home.

The Russian decided to try and get over herself. When she properly thought about it, her and Beatrice (or Trixie, as she had asked to be called) never actually flirted really. She absolutely should not be sad or angry at the girl for having a boyfriend. Katya had just suspected and clearly her gaydar was wrong for the first time in a long time. She needed to shake it off and get back to her routine. Focus on climbing the ladder at her job, as she had been doing for the last 3 years. At least she did not have to film any more convention interviews. Out of sight, out of mind, as it were. If it was supposed to be that easy, though, why did Katya spend the rest of the evening thinking about Trixie? Her joyful spark. She needed to let it go.


	4. Chapter 4

Trixie woke up with a start and glanced over to her alarm clock. She squinted; it was too bright. 5.15am. Thank God, she had 15 more minutes until her alarm would go off and her peace would be interrupted by her mother. She lazily scrolled through her socials and notifications until a text message caught her eye.

So, THE Beatrice Mattel has a boyfriend? 

Trixie sat up in bed properly, before reminding herself the person she would have wanted to message her would have no way of doing so. She read the name- Pearl Liaison. She couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed. How did Pearl know? Trixie turned her attention back to the clock to see the date underneath. Ah. That interview had been released last night, so now the entire world knew about her and her official ‘boyfriend’. She supressed the urge to be sick. Instead, she swiped at Pearl’s message and began to tap a response. 

Trixie: Well, if a gossip channel says that, then it must be true.

The reply came through almost immediately, despite it being the early hours of the morning. She had almost forgotten about the hideous shift pattern Pearl worked at the bar when they had been together. That had been a small part of the reason they had broken up. The huge part being Trixie’s spiralling fame and inability to hide from her massively homophobic parents. 

Pearl: Nice try. Don’t act like you didn’t publicly announce it. The interview of you telling us about your dream man Jamie is trending, whore. Got the information straight from the horses’ mouth. 

Trixie chuckled at Pearls response yet a faint ting of guilt ate up at her from the inside. Their relationship wouldn’t have lasted long anyway but she was mainly responsible for its death at the end of the day. She was happy they had kept their friendship, though, as her and Pearl had become very tight-knit friends. Because they were so good, Trixie knew she should have given Pearl a little bit of a heads up.

Trixie: Sorry I should have told you first.

Pearl: Don’t worry I’m not bothered about that. I know how controlled everything in your life is- Your mom would have probably sued you if you told me ha! I’m more intrigued about the whole BOY friend thing? Wanted to know how true it was.

Trixie checked the time again- 5.25 am. Her mother would be in soon to wake her up. She typed a quick response, hoping Pearl would leave it.

Trixie: Its complicated. Hopefully we can meet up soon? I miss you bitch.

With that, Trixie put her phone back onto the side and began to get out of bed so that her mom didn’t have to do it for her. It had been over a month since the last convention and yet the stunning blonde camera woman was always in the back of her thoughts. Something about her was so alluring. Trixie tried to combat the hope that she would be filming another of her interviews at the con she was heading to today. The thought of seeing her and getting to explain helped the journey there and most of the morning become a lot easier.  
-  
Hours later and Trixie found herself crouched in a toilet cubicle, head in her hands. The day was going awfully. Doing youtube had once been her guilty pleasure and something she enjoyed but she couldn’t handle her every movement being watched and every stumble being criticized. The conventions always seemed to heighten the sense of entrapment she felt. She knew Kim Chi, her best friend and fellow beaty vlogger, got to enjoy meeting fans all day but Val’s itinerary had Trixie on panel after interview after panel. There was never a moment to breathe. The only thought Trixie had getting her through was the idea of meeting that Russian-Bostonian woman again but the interview with that channel had come and gone, the blonde nowhere to be seen.

A knock on the door disrupted her thoughts. “Beatrice, stop being foolish and pull yourself together. You need to be looking pretty and presentable for your next interview. I’ll give you two minutes.” Trixie held in a gasping sob and wiped her tears from her eyes. Val continued before shutting the door behind her. “Don’t create an embarrassment out of the Mattel family name again.”

Trixie unlocked the cubicle door once her mother had left and stared at herself in the mirror. She began to adjust her makeup when her phone buzzed.

Pearl: I was going to ask you to meet tonight anyways. Violet wants to introduce me to her best friend and roommate so I figured you could come along too? It won’t be awkward meeting my new girlfriend will it? I would love if you could come.

Trixie paused to think about it. Her social battery was completely worn out and it probably would be strange going out with her ex-girlfriends’ new girlfriend but at this point she didn’t care. Her only other option was to spend the evening at home with her mother and step-dad and that didn’t seem too appealing. She shook her head, no, it wouldn’t be awkward. Pearl was one of her best-friends first and foremost and she clearly needed Trixie for support.

Trixie: Okay. When and where?

Pearl: Jacques bar, 8pm.

The banging on the door returned so Trixie shoved her makeup bag under her arm and made her way back out to her mother and the crowds of the day. She just needed to tell her mom she wouldn’t be at home tonight and then she would be on her way. At the thought of seeing Pearl again, getting a taste of her normal past, a settling warmth spread over her. She would make it through this day.


	5. Chapter 5

It was 7.50 am when Trixie made it to the bar. She looked around, knowing Pearl was someone who was always early too, and finally caught her eye. The pair embraced and Trixie eventually patted her back to be released. Yes, Pearl had seen her naked but that doesn’t change the fact that Trixie didn’t like hugs. When they pulled apart, Trixie’s eyes met those of a slim dark-haired woman with a waste so thin it made Trixie lose her breath. Introductions were made and Violet eyed Trixie up and down, understandably suspicious, assuming Pearl had told her about their past. 

It was nice to sit and chat to the couple, putting the world to rights with Pearl and getting to know the literal model that she was dating. At about half past Violet excused herself to order another drink from the bar and Pearl looked apologetically at Trixie when she said she would join her. Trixie shrugged, offering to hold the table while they were gone. She couldn’t help but wonder why Violets roommate (Katya, they had said) wasn’t here yet. Maybe she was just a naturally disorganised person or maybe she had cancelled and it had slipped Violets mind to tell Trixie and Pearl? Her eye was trained on the door as she sipped on her drink, waiting for the pair to return or for the illusive Katya to arrive. Trixie almost jumped out of her seat when she saw what she thought she had. 

Stumbling through the door, bloody and beaten, was the Russian woman from the convention all those months ago. It was unlikely for her to recognise Trixie, and even if she did, it wasn’t as though she would want to give her any notice. Still, the pink-haired girl thought, she was visibly in pain and her face was swollen so much she obviously needed a doctor.

Trixie pushed herself out the booth, not giving two fucks if somebody else claimed the table, and made her way through some groups of drunken people before she reached the camerawoman. She gently tapped her elbow, at which the blonde flinched and retracted, to gain her attention. The woman’s frantic, searching eyes finally focused on Trixie’s.  


“Beatrice? Are you real?” She questioned reaching out to stroke Trixie’s cheek as though to confirm.  


Trixie couldn’t help but to laugh, despite considering the woman in front of her could be very severely concussed. “I’m real but what happened? Don’t you need to get to a hospital? Why did you come to a bar instead of getting help?” She stopped herself and the string of questions to let the girl answer, taking her elbow once again and guiding her back to the (thankfully still empty) booth.  


The woman grimaced as she tried to respond, and her words came out timid- so unlike the bright laughing woman Trixie had at bumped into at the coffee machine. “I- um. I was mugged. But when they were- When they were robbing me they saw my-“ The woman glanced down, seeming to be ashamed but Trixie, who had taken a wet napkin to the girls blood-stained face, nodded for her to continue. “-They saw my little rainbow pin I had on and they just started to-” The girl let out a small gasp “-they started to beat the shit out of me. Called me a dyke and all that shit.” The woman glanced back up to Trixie, fearfully, as though she was waiting for the youtuber to run in horror. The only thing Trixie was horrified at was the people who did this to the sweet woman before her.

“Let’s get you to a hospital, okay? I just need to let my friends know that I’m leaving.”

The woman shook her head “I was supposed to be meeting my friends here... that’s why I came. I was only around the corner. I don’t want to be any trouble.” Trixie was about to help the woman up to look for her friends when she was interrupted by a loud smash.

“Katya? Oh my god are you okay?” Violet rushed past Pearl to where Trixie and Katya were sitting, Trixie’s brow knotting together in understanding. This was Katya. This was Violets roommate, and the woman they were meeting tonight, and the woman she had been secretly pining over for months. Small world. It was nice to finally know her name. Katya raised her head to speak but only shook her head and looked to Trixie in a plea for her to explain. Violet frowned “Trixie, what the fuck happened to my friend?”

Trixie explained everything on the way to the hospital, the couple nodding along from the front seats. Pearl had offered to drive, having only had one drink, which understandably left Violet in the front and Trixie in the back with a pale and bleeding Katya. Her head was resting in Trixie’s lap, arm hanging loosely to one side. Trixie tried to gently brush the blood-matted hair away from Katya’s eyes and take a proper look at her bruising face. Katya looked in complete pain and it had thrown Trixie to see her so vulnerable, when in her dreams the woman had always been fit and strong. The pair looked at each other and Trixie smiled sadly, trying to encompass an apology and a feeling of sympathy in one go. Katya, god it was nice to know her name, smiled back gently then winced as though it was taking all the effort in the world. She closed her eyes and didn’t even wake up when they reached the hospital. 

Trixie didn’t know what to do when Katya was placed on a stretcher once she had made her way to the front desk with the blonde in her arms, Violet and Pearl scurrying behind. The only thing that felt right was to press a small kiss onto Katya’s forehead before she was wheeled away. And despite only meeting her once, Trixie willed Katya to be okay as though she were the only important thing in her life. Maybe she was.


	6. Chapter 6

It was hours later that Katya woke up, looking down to find that her arm was in a cast and her ribs were bandaged too. Her whole body was sore when she tried to sit up, struggling to put any weight onto a specific point in her body. She looked around but at the angle she was at and her vision being impaired from what she assumed was a swollen eye, going by the pain she felt, it was hard. The Russian reached up her good hand to touch her face, feeling the surgical plasters and bandages across her cheek. Had she had stitches? She couldn’t remember a thing from last night, memory going blank shortly after her badge had been snatched from her.

When Katya had finally sat herself up, she began to take in the room with her better working eye. All the lights from the machines blurred into the sharp corners of plastic furniture. The large cannula she had in her arm was hooked up to a stand next to her bed but the tubes just seemed fuzzy. She looked past the trolley and finally focused on the chair next to her bed. In it, a strange was curled up. She squinted, taking in the pink hair. Huh? How did the woman she had been crushing on suddenly appear by her side, in a hospital of all places? Her memories were still blank so perhaps she was having some sort of vision. “Trixie?” The girl pressed out, barely a whisper. She cleared her throat and tried again “Hey, Trixie?” The young girl stretched out and looked towards Katya, before smiling so gently it made her heart melt. 

“You’re awake.” Trixie smiled again and stood up from her chair. Katya’s bed dipped where Trixie perched to lean across and take Katya’s face gently in her palm, barely even touching her. So she was real then.

“I’m glad you’re real.” Katya stated with what was supposed to be a grin, although it contorted as an intense pain shot through her. She caught her breath and continued at her whispered volume. “What happened? Why are you here?”

Trixie found herself repeating the events she had explained to Pearl and Violet last night, topping off that the couple had both got work obligations and left early this morning. “I’m happy to see you again.” Trixie looked down, tugging on her ring. “And I wanted to say I’m sorry for, you know...”

The Russian nodded- she did know. The unexpected boyfriend announcement had shocked her and she had seen the apology twinkle in Trixie's eye during the interview. Katya had already convinced herself Trixie had nothing to say sorry for, though. Shifting towards Trixie, Katya took the young girls palm from her face and held it in her lap. She couldn’t help but notice the warm blanket of comfort and familiarity that had appeared to settle around them. Their little bubble couldn’t even be penetrated by the clinical surroundings or the rhythmic beeping of the machines. Katya’s eyes gleamed a bright blue, Trixie noticed, the grey colour she had thought they were yesterday was magically replaced. “You don’t have anything to apologise for, barbie. We are strangers and I made an assumption I shouldn’t have.” She smiled softly again. “No hard feelings, babe.”

The youtuber flushed at that, and squeezed Katya’s uninjured hand, leaning in closer and barely whispering into her ear. “Unfortunately, you presumed correctly.” She pulled back again, a sadness playing in her eyes.

“Unfortunately?”

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got nothing but time.” The blonde smirked, vaguely gesturing to the set up of tubes and medication bottles.

Trixie didn’t want to get into her entire trauma, explain that she didn’t love the man she was dating or that her homophobic, controlling parents didn’t exactly want her happiness but her money instead. She especially didn’t want to crack that open when her mother was certainly steaming from the ears at Trixie not being home last night. Trixie had turned off her phone for a reason. Besides, Katya had much bigger issues right now. “Maybe now isn’t the right time.”

Katya nodded, understanding, and left the conversation be. Instead she settled for gesturing Trixie closer. Trixie was forced to drop the strand of hair she had been playing with, instead brushing her hand against the back of Katya’s neck, and leaving it there. The camerawoman sat herself up even further and wrapped her good arm around Trixie’s waist for support. The pair looked at each other, and Katya chewed her bruised lip gently. Trixie didn’t want to hurt Katya, the surgical bandage running across the woman’s right cheek and her eye flowering a lovely purple bruise. Instead, she just took in the other woman’s features, drinking in the blue of her eyes and the scrunch of her nose, drawing downwards to the lipstick-stained cherry lips. The gap between their faces was barely an inch and the heat in the room seemed to have been turned up drastically. After what felt like both hours of wanting and merely only seconds at the same time, Katya gently pressed her lips against hers. Trixie kissed back, closing her eyes, and feeling only pure joy. The kiss deepened and their bodies pressed together. Eventually, Katya pulled back wincing and Trixie felt bad for forgetting where they were and why they were here.  


Their hands were still gripping one another, and their faces were back to the previous state of being way too close to be platonic. Katya let out a breathless gasp and Trixie chuckled, but both stopped dead when the sound of the door clicking open burst their invisible bubble. Trixie stumbled backwards off the bed, and Katya was almost confused by the sudden distance. The pair looked up to see Pearl entering, an eyebrow raised in suspicion. Trixie saw that as an out as reality came back to her.

“Well, I better be going.” Shrugging of an inquisitive look from Pearl. “I am glad you’re feeling better Katya.” Despite her internal conflict, she enjoyed the way Katya’s name sounded on her lips. Barely looking at the others, Trixie stormed out the room in a flurry of emotion and began the journey back to the house where her mother lay in wait.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning: This chapter features some quite explicit depictions of abuse so please read with caution. *

It was only early when Trixie carefully pressed the front door closed behind her. She removed her shoes carefully and slid them onto the shoe rack. At this point she knew which steps on the staircase made noise, and it was like a well-rehearsed ballet back to her room. She knew this was pointless, because her mother always knew her every move and would punish her for not coming home, creating a ‘bad reputation’ for the family, but it was nice to delay her punishment for as long as possible. Her door was at the end of the corridor so she tip-toed down the hallway, acting like a rebellious teenager after a party, towards the room she owned and through the hallway SHE owned in the house that SHE owned. And it wasn’t exactly like she HAD been out to a party; she had been helping a… friend? She let out a sigh when she was past the lion’s den and into her room. 

Now comfortably back in her pyjamas and under the covers of her four-poster bed, Trixie wondered how long she could nap before she was punished. When she was younger, especially when her stepfather had first come into their lives at 15, she would sob. Tears would rack her body, causing her so many sleepless nights consumed by fear. Now she was an adult. She had always dreamed that by 20 she would have been free, but almost 3 years had passed, and Trixie was resigned to her parents’ control. Her mother had once been kind but now she was twisted by the years of abuse, keeping Trixie under her thumb so that her and her husband could be rich. Her stepdad was behind it all, and when her mother was upset at Trixie for breaking the rules- he would take control. She had a feeling that today would go similarly to that. She closed her eyes accepting what is to come. Hopefully she could sleep first.

Trixie was rudely woken up with something hitting her face. She sighed and held back the tears threatening to spill from the burning pain which spread across her skin. A coarse hand tightened itself around her wrist; She sometimes imagined this is what it felt like to be put in chains. Her mother was stood at the foot of the bed, watching silently. Trixie glanced at her, eyes protesting even though she knew her mother could never help or even dare to stand up to her husband. Trixie carried a level of empathy for her mother, remembering the person she had been. Abuse could change people. She began to disassociate when the shouting began, although she knew it would be something about disobeying them and bringing shame to the family. There was no point in explaining where she had been, she had expected this the moment she made the decision to stay with Katya. Another blow brought her back into reality momentarily. She tried to focus on the image of Katya smiling at the coffee machine and that was the last thing she was thinking of when she finally blacked out.

-

When Trixie finally woke up, she was curled up in a ball on her bedroom floor. She didn’t know how long she had been left like this but given the steady flow of blood coming from her nose and pool on the floor, matting her pink hair, she figured it had been some time. She didn’t know how much longer her body could take this physically, or how much she could take it psychologically for that matter. Her first thought was to go meet Katya, but she knew better after this morning’s events had unfolded. Pushing herself into a sitting position, she waited for the white spots in her vision to clear, and then combed the bloodied hair from her face. A shower seemed like the best course of action right now and so that is what she would do right after cleaning the blood from the floor. 

In the shower, the hot water seemed to clear the fuzzy vignette which intruded into the events from the last 24 hours and all aspects of her life seemed to come into clarity. She smiled at first, thinking about the pure unadulterated happiness which spread through every bone in her body when she had kissed Katya. Logically, though, she knew that was just a pipedream. She could never be allowed to date Katya. Guilt swallowed her then- she had a boyfriend who she had technically cheated on and she had been disloyal. She had to be a good girlfriend to him, then maybe her feelings for the Russian blonde would dissipate and they could be good friends instead? Something twitched deep within her. Trixie flinched as she scrubbed her face, convinced her nose was probably broken again; she was glad she had some heavy-duty concealer sitting at her vanity. The clear view of all these problems presented her with 2 choices: Go on a date with Jamie, which would simultaneously please her parents and present her with more freedom to see her friends (including Katya) or; Break up with Jamie and chase Katya and her own happiness which would ultimately lead to more pain and a month long house arrest. She thought back to the girl she had kissed in the kitchen all those years ago and shook her head trying to rid the memories of those consequences. So, it was settled then. There may have been two choices but one of those doors was closed and locked.

After getting out of the shower, Trixie pulled out her phone and sent a text.

Trixie: Hey Babe, I would love to see you today. Thought I could do a beauty haul vlog and then we can go on a nice date? Miss you Jamie xoxo

Trixie shook her head and made her way down for lunch. Her parents would be happy with the plans she had made for the day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warning: This chapter contains mild depictions of homophobia and abuse*

It was a few days later that Katya was finally released from hospital and told to take it easy. Her bandages could come off to let the stitches on her cheek heal but her arm would be in a cast for a while. When Trixie had explained what happened to her, it filled Katya with a mixture of rage and sadness that people filled with such hate still existed. She was yet to find out that Trixie's parents were very similar, or worse, even. Katya had hoped Trixie would have visited her again, despite them technically being strangers. After Trixie had left so abruptly, it had concerned Katya she had done something but then she had received a text late into the night, last night.

Unknown: Hi! It’s Trixie Mattel… I hope you don’t mind that I got your number from Pearl who got it from Violet. I know that’s such a stalker move. Anyway, I wanted to apologise for leaving like that. I need to talk you.

Katya: Hey Trixie. You don’t need to say sorry after staying with me all night the other day. It was a kind thing to do for someone you barely know. It will be nice to see you again ;)

Trixie: I don’t want to lead you on so please no winky faces.

Trixie: Sorry that sounded SO rude. You’ll understand when we talk in person. 

Katya frowned. Trixie had kissed her with equal force, it wasn’t a one-sided thing. She had kind of assumed that her and the boyfriend mentioned at the interview were no longer a thing but maybe that was just it. She needed the whole truth but more than that she needed to see Trixie again. Somehow her touch had made all the pain from being mugged worth it.

Katya: Still in the hospital atm but I’m out tomorrow. Want to see me then? There’s a cute coffee shop I know.

Trixie: Sounds great! I should be able to come if it’s during the day.

Katya: It’s a date! 

Trixie hadn’t responded since then and she was now home and pottering about her apartment, phone in hand, anticipating a message any second. As the day passed, she figured Trixie wouldn’t be coming. She walked circles of the flat, unable to sit still. It was 3pm when the phone rang.

“Hello?!” Katya said a little too excitedly. She hadn’t even checked the caller ID.

“Hi Katya… Just wanted to check what time we were meeting today. Sorry I never got back but I wanted to make sure I could definitely come before confirming anything.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it it’s not exactly like I’m doing anything. Want to meet me there in an hour?”

“Sounds great!” 

The call ended and Katya couldn’t stop the swell of excitement forming within her. She chose a detailed prairie dress and did her makeup as best as possible with only one working arm and a black eye. 

-

Katya arrived at the coffee shop late, bursting through the door to find Trixie sat in a corner booth all the way in the back. The youtuber stood to wave and Katya mindlessly waved back but her thoughts were focused on the pink denim ensemble Trixie was modelling. She was serving full teen pop fan fantasy and Katya was absolutely here for it. The girl in front of her looked young and Katya found herself wondering just how old Trixie was- She had figured when they met that Trixie was younger, but at the hospital (and more so today) Trixie barely even looked like a teen. The pair had sat down now, squeezed into a dim lit booth and Trixie nudged Katya to draw her attention back.

“I bought you a drink… I figured I owed you a black coffee after knocking one all down your front at the convention.”

Katya took the iced coffee from her and their fingers brushed together. Katya tried to suppress her blush and was embarrassed at how wild her emotions ran, feeling like some kid in a fanfiction or something. “Thank you Beatrice that’s super kind.”

Trixie frowned at the name and a heavy blanket of tension seemed to press down across the whole café. It was the exact opposite of what she had felt in the hospital. Katya tugged at her collar as though she was being suffocated before Trixie coughed lightly. “I meant to ask, but did the stain come out okay? I still feel really bad for ruining your work clothes.”

Katya let out a stifled laugh at the mention of their clumsy meeting but also at how formal this meeting was seeming to be going. Last time she had seen Trixie, they had kissed. Yes, she was slightly delusional from her injuries, but she was sure that the world just set in place that moment. What had changed? Katya winked “Yeah my shirt is fine no thanks to you." She paused then joked "I’d like to see you make me wet again.”

Trixie let out a screaming laugh “You rotted bitch! I was trying to be sincere!” 

“Sincerity doesn’t suit you.”

Trixie laughed again and gripped her good arm for support. The joke hadn’t been that funny, but Katya seemed to bring out a brightness in Trixie which she hadn’t felt in a long time. They bantered for a while, talking about the stupid YouTube schedule and Katya’s injuries. It felt as though they had been friends for years. They could sit and talk in this coffee shop all day. They were 4 coffees in when Katya made another joke and Trixie grabbed her shoulder for support as she laughed, pushing her head into her shoulder to suppress the tears of joy. When she pulled away, their faces were too close for just friends. The pair eyed each other again then Trixie jerked away “I’m sorry I still have a boyfriend!”

Katya laughed "Woah, I didn't even make a move. Someone's eager!" Trixie didnt return the laugh and Katya just nodded. She was expecting this, maybe not the sudden nature of Trixie’s admittance, but she had been waiting for it as soon as she got her texts. “Yeah” Is all she could reply, waiting for Trixie to elaborate.

Trixie smiled, dejected, and shuffled away from Katya as though she only just noticed their proximity. “Listen I like you. I really like you Katya. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I have known you forever, if feel drawn to you. God! I sound so fucking gay but it’s true. And if you feel like same way- I mean if you want me to stay in your life and fuck, I’m hoping so, you’re just going to have to trust me on this. I can’t break up with him. I am asking to be your friend.” 

Katya didn’t understand but the sincerity and desperation in Trixie’s eyes spoke to her and she nodded “I do want you in my life. However, as my friend, is there any way you can be less cryptic?”

Trixie’s smile began to form on her face. Katya could watch forever how her features lit up and dimples formed on her face. She hadn’t noticed before, but Trixie’s face seemed different and she couldn’t put a finger on as to why- not that she could talk with her purple cheek. Trixie was nodding now and laughing almost manically “Are you sure you want to listen to the full psycho version because it’s a lot?”

Katya nodded, she would do anything for Trixie, and she wanted to consume and absorb any information she had to give.  
Trixie glanced at the time and then settled back in her seat to talk, fiddling with the silver ring on her right hand. In the small time they had known each other she did that a lot and Katya wondered what the significance of it was, if any. The pink-haired girl breathed out, washing away any feeling of vulnerability. “Let me start by saying my boyfriend is actually really nice, and I’d been seeing him this week instead of seeing you at the hospital and I feel bad and I shouldn’t because he’s my boyfriend and he’s kind but all I wanted to do was check If you were okay.” Trixie’s words had run away with her and she paused for a breath. She tended to talk too much. Katya already felt like she was about to explode with this new information- She didn’t know whether to be hurt or happy. 

“Anyway, God…” Trixie leaned back towards Katya and placed her hand gently on her cast “about 3 years ago I was making out with a girl in my kitchen. Pearl actually.” Katya couldn’t help but to be shocked at this, raising her eyebrows slightly. “In fact, we weren’t just making out, she was my girlfriend.” Trixie sighed again “I’m getting off topic. Long story short, my stepdad found us and asked me, not very politely, to get rid of her. He called me all the names under the sun- I’m sure you can imagine” she gestured to Katya’s various injuries “and told me that I was an embarrassment and he was ashamed that he was related to me in any way.”

“Trixie, what the fuck that’s awful please tell me you got away from that jackass.”

“Not quite. I still live with him actually- and my mom. This is my point. When he found out about Pearl and I, it was at the point where people had begun recognising me from my videos. Because I was still young, they took control of all my assets. I have an image to uphold, hence the boyfriend. Its’s out of my control.” Trixie felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. It felt good to be transparent with Katya- She felt this was the best way to make sure she wouldn’t lose her. 

Katya looked appalled and she spoke up again “you have to leave or break the contract or something. You can’t live like that.” She gripped Trixie’s arm, who tried not to flinch as a knee jerk reaction. Katya noticed.

She didn’t know the half of it. “I promise its not that easy. Please just tell me we can stay as friends.” Trixie fought the urge to take one of Katya’s curls around her fingers, instead settling for a palm on her thigh.

Despite the whole situation being completely crazy, Katya understood. And she didn’t want to lose Trixie. If this was the only option, then so be it. She stuck her hand out to Trixie, offering an exaggerated handshake like a 60’s car salesman “Well, it’s a pleasure to be your friend, Beatrice Mattel.”

Trixie let out a snort “Please just call my Trixie.”

“Absolutely will do, miss Tracy Martel.”

The pink haired girl laughed again and the Russian grinned. The compromise was worth it so that she could hear that laugh again.


	9. Chapter 9

Katya swung her legs back and forth in irritation as she tapped out another application with one hand. She was sat at the breakfast bar with Violet and the pair (Violet more so than Katya) had decided it was time for the Russian to find a new job and excel in her career. Despite being comfortable in the film crew she was working with; Katya knew she had talent and a good creative eye so she would be good in a higher position. Writing out applications with an arm in a cast, however, had proven a more difficult task than anticipated. She sent off another form and then let out a huge sigh. “Violet, we’ve been typing for hours. Can we please stop.”

Violet eyed her friend… Katya had asked a few times now, but they had been a roll. Perhaps now they were losing steam and needed a break. Wordlessly, she jumped off the bar stool and turned on the coffee machine. “You’re right, that’s enough.” While the coffee brewed, Violet took a seat closer to Katya and span her chair round so that they were facing each other. “Besides, I have questions.”

Katya groaned “I’ve already told you several times that I don’t have the answers you want.” Trixie and Katya had spent almost every other evening together since their chat. At first she had suspected it would be hard work to be nothing more, but it was honestly just nice to spend time with her beautiful friend. Violet hadn’t bought it though. Katya didn’t even try to increase her heightened suspicions by explaining the kiss or the ‘friends only’ talk- That would just complicate things. “I’ve told you before, me and Trixie are just friends.”

Violet raised an eyebrow “And yet, I have never seen you like this over any ‘friend’. Or girl for that matter. You get so giggly and happy when you talk about her. You can tell me.”

Shaking her head, Katya stifled a laugh. God Violet was insistent. How could she explain that when Trixie made contact with her, she could feel the touch burning for hours after. Or that when she laughed, the ring of her voice kept Katya satisfied and happier than she had been a long time. Or that Trixie was literally the most beautiful person she had ever come across and whenever she saw her again, she momentarily lost her breath. How could she explain that she felt all these things which seemed to paint the world in colour instead of black and white and yet they were just friends? How could she explain that despite Trixie laying down this agreement there were still moments, glances, when it felt like they were the only two people in the universe. That she swore Trixie felt all these things too? Katya had been silent for too long. “You’re right, that’s because I have never felt like this about a friend.”

“OH MY GOD” A scream came from the hallway entrance, and a very smug looking Pearl came bounding in “You like Trixie?” 

Since they had met a few weeks ago, Pearl had been spending more time at Violet and Katya’s place. She might as well have been living with them at this point, but on this occasion, Katya had assumed Pearl was at work. “I can’t believe you were spying on us.”

Violet laughed and took Pearl in by the waist to kiss her “You’re not mad that Kats likes Mattel are you?” 

The normally sleepy looking girl came to life, giving out a loud laugh “No sweets, I have you. Her and I are in the past. Katya is free to love who she wants. Surprised the living barbie is letting anyone into her doll house, though.” 

The Russian put her head in her hands, focused more on the growing embarrassment she felt than the weight of what Pearl had just said. “Urgh I don’t love anyone. I don’t like Trix, okay? Her and I are friends and we’ve made that clear. There is nothing going on” she groaned.

Chachki rolled her eyes and turned to Pearl “I found them playing with each other’s hair the other day when I walked in on them ‘watching a movie’. It was so gay.” Pearl looked delighted at this information.

Katya tried to protest, despite a very obvious red blush spreading across her cheeks. She was glad half her face was still bruised purple, because that would hopefully cover most of her unconcealable feelings. The smirk on Violet’s face said otherwise. “We WERE just watching a moving. We ARE just friends. We like spending time with each other is all.” Katya laughed “I will no longer stand for being bullied by the pair of you.”

“Whatever you say bitch.”

Taking her coffee with her good hand, and balancing her laptop on her cast, Katya popped herself down on the sofa. “God, I hate you two sometimes. Absolute rotted Hela monsters. Are you gonna help me get a new job or are you just going to carry on quizzing me?” 

The couple laughed but reluctantly sat round Violet’s desk to do some more research and help out their friend. Katya couldn’t help but smile now that she had Trixie on the brain.

-

It was hours into the evening, when the three were eating dinner, that Pearl jumped from her phone ringing. She smiled at the other two and headed out into the hall to answer it, shrugging. Katya couldn’t help but try and eavesdrop but could only hear what sounded like worry raising in Pearl’s voice. She frowned at Violet, who looked equally concerned.

Pearl rushed back into the room and began putting on her coat, balancing her phone under her chin. Katya and Violet had stopped eating all together now, waiting in anticipation to find out who was on the other side of that phone call. “Jesus! I’m over at Violet’s but I’ll come and get you now. Hey, hey, hey you don’t need to explain it’ll be okay baby. Stay where you are, I’m leaving now.”

Pearl ended the phone call and turned to look at the others, her face seeming to have lost all colour. Katya didn’t think she’d ever seen such emotion on the girls’ face. “Who was that? What happened?” It was what Pearl said as she was flying out of the door that filled Katya with dread. 

“It was Trixie.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning: Depictions of assault and violence. *

Trixie fixated on her phone screen a little longer before willing herself to put it down. It was a shame she couldn’t meet Katya today, she thought it would have been nice to help her apply to jobs. Although they had seen each other yesterday so it might have been a bit too much ‘free time’ in her mothers’ eyes. Instead of meeting her best friend, she had a full day of video-making ahead and then she was supposed to meet Jamie for a date night. The press would be there, her mother had informed.

‘Distracted.’ Her parents had said. Obviously she had been distracted, Trixie thought. Katya was in her flat across town trying to achieve her dreams and instead of helping her, Trixie was here taking instructions from her parents. Whilst filming the videos, she had decided that it was time for an out. She couldn’t go on like this forever. She was going to get out. She didn’t know how, or when, but she would. And then she could be free to break up with Jamie and go after what she really wanted.

Of course, these were just dreams, thoughts which had filled her mind since 15. Easier to think it than to do it, although it made long days like this a bit easier.

After all the filming for the day was finally over, her mother was delighted to get her ready and send her off to go meet Jamie. They had been official for some time now, and the date nights had become somewhat of a regular occasion. Normally and ‘conveniently’ wherever they met for dinner, the paparazzi would be waiting. These days were always the days her parents were the nicest- Their Beatrice had to be happy to go enjoy a date with the man she might one day marry. Trixie thought their kindness was more to do with the checks they received after tipping off the press.

Jamie smiled when he met her, placing his hand on her lower back and kissing her gently on the cheek before guiding her into the restaurant. They had always gotten along at conventions and any press events before they were matched up, so Trixie never normally minded spending time with him- although she saw it more as meeting a friend than a lover. Tonight though, something was different. The grip on her elbow was tighter and his breath smelt of alcohol. Great.

All through the meal, Jamie laughed loudly at his own vulgar comments and edged his way round the booth until they were sat squeezed together in the dark corner. When the waiter came to ask for their after-dinner coffee order, he squeezed Trixie’s thigh and answered without tearing his hungry gaze away from her chest. Trixie was used to her stepfather but now, with someone she considered a friend, she felt small. 

She felt small when he took her through the side entrance by her bruised wrist to avoid the cameras. She felt tiny when he pressed her up against the wall and kissed her roughly, taking what he believed he owned. “I want you Beatrice, you little tease.”

Trixie tried to speak but he covered her mouth. She reached up to remove it and her sleeve slipped down. Jamie eyed the flowering finger marks around her arms and stared back at her. “Oh, I see. You like it like that huh. Been sleeping around behind my back?” He stretched both her arms up and pinned them against the wall. “You’ll get it rough you little whore.”

Panic was starting to take over now, and Trixie was undecided between trying to argue more or just accepting it. “No.” She pleaded. He had clearly misinterpreted the marks on her body, when for a brief second, she had assumed he would be her knight in shining armour. For the first time in her life, she wanted the press to find her- to save her. He was pulling up her skirt now, and with another scan around the alley she realised she was truly alone. Will all the energy she had left in her she pushed her arms forward and managed to dislodge his grip. “Get”- She pulled his hand from her leg and threw it, disorientating and angering him. “Off”- He was stumbling back towards her, hand back on her arm. “Me!” With one last shove, he was far enough away for her to run. Her head was pounding, and the edges of her vision were going white. 

Trixie must have run for atleast 45 minutes before she arrived at Pearl’s door and slammed her entire body weight against it, knocking in distress and calling out. When Pearl didn’t answer she slid to the ground and let out a whimper. She didn’t know if anybody had followed her so when she caught her breath she took out her phone and called Pearl.  


“I’m sorry I’m calling so late at night and I don’t want to bother you right now but you’re my oldest friend and I really just need someone right now.” Trixie caught her breath in between tears. “I just can’t be alone. I can’t do this anymore Pearl.”

“Woah Trixie, what happened? Are you okay?” 

Trixie was trying not to breakdown again, knowing she had probably already woken Pearl’s neighbours by banging on her door. “I’m fine, I’m okay now. Just something happened with Jamie and I don’t know if he followed me and he probably didn’t but I just need to feel safe.” She didn't even know what she was saying. The events from before were just repeatedly unfolding in her head and she needed to make it stop. Normally she could make herself go numb but this time was different. It had shocked her. 

“Jesus! I’m over at Violet’s but I’ll come and get you now.”

“I’m so sorry, I normally wouldn’t bother you and if you’re with Violet now then its fine I can head back ho- “

“Hey, hey, hey. You don’t need to explain it’ll be okay baby. Stay where you are, I’m leaving now.”

The call cut off and Trixie was left to stare into the darkness beyond the porch. She felt stupid and insignificant, like the wind could just blow her away and it would make life better for everyone. She could go back to Jamie now and let him kill her for being an inconvenience and that would be easier than explaining everything to Pearl. The darkness in front looked frightening and appetizing at the same time, like it could swallow her up and she would be thankful. When she tried to stand up though, her legs gave out and she cried again. Instead, she just waited. 

Pearl eventually arrived and wiped her tears and scooped her up. She was silent the entire drive back to Violet’s house, where the orange glow of lights greeted them. The comfortable heat hit her as Pearl supported her inside. Then the blue eyes of Katya, looking earnestly towards her when she was seated on the couch. Katya placed a palm on her knee gently and Trixie was grateful that the darkness didn’t take her after all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse.*

Back in Violets apartment, Pearl wrapped a blanket round Trixie’s shoulder and squeezed herself next to her on the other side of the couch, opposite Katya. She glared at Violet, hoping she would get the message and the brunette did- reaching for Katya’s arm and taking them away to their respective bedrooms. Katya had wanted to be with Trixie in her time of need, but she understood that she needed privacy, and Pearl who she was so close to. 

It was hours later, hours after the muffled sobbing she could hear had stopped, that Katya finally felt that the coast would be clear for her to go find her cigarettes. She was by no means avoiding Trixie but again, Pearl had clearly indicated that she had wanted to be left alone. With the lights still off, Katya padded across the cold kitchen floor towards the cupboard. She jolted when a light noise came from behind her, and she squinted to find Trixie laying swaddled in a blanket on the sofa. The girl looked so innocent and hurt, with her mascara tracking her face, and Katya felt her heart swell. 

It was after she had lit a cigarette in the blackened Kitchen that she heard another stirring. “Katya?”

The blonde turned swiftly to find Trixie sat up on the couch and quickly hid her cigarette behind her back, a force of habit from being caught out as a teenager. “Hey Trix.”

“They’re bad for you, you know.”

Katya laughed lightly and walked towards the sofa, before perching next to the other girl. She wanted to reach out and touch her, but she didn’t want to hurt Trixie when she was already vulnerable. “What happened today?”

Trixie’s eyes were huge and glassy when she looked at Katya, before looking down again and playing with her ring. “Jamie did” She mumbled.

Nodding, Katya turned, smiled softly and took the risk of gently placing her hand on Trixie’s knee- The cigarette still hanging loosely between her finger tips. “Wanna talk about it?”

Again with her large eyes, Trixie shook her head and instead reached out for the cigarette. “Not right now.” She took a long drag before blowing out the smoke away from Katya’s face. Trixie didn’t smoke regularly but right now she felt it was exactly what she needed. She didn’t want to admit that that was partly because it made her feel closer to Katya.

“They’re bad for you, you know.” Katya eyed the girl (who was now chuckling) up and down before continuing “Why don’t you let me take you to bed and I can tuck you in. I can stay on the sofa for the night. You need your sleep more than me.”

Trixie nodded and hummed quietly before taking Katya’s outstretched hand and following her to her bedroom. It was strange that she had been in this apartment so many times before, now that her and Katya had become such good friends, but she had never seen the bedroom. Katya stuck to her word and tucked Trixie under the blankets before kissing her on the forehead and turning to leave.

“Please stay with me.” 

It was barely a whisper. but Katya ceased, before turning around wordlessly and making her way back and into the bed in the darkness. Trixie shuffled towards her and held Katya’s hand to her chest. Katya was almost certain she could see her smile, even in the blackest night.

The pair laid like that for some time, Katya on her back and Trixie on her side holding her. Their breaths were gentle, but Katya couldn’t sleep and by the sniffling sound that she heard next to her- neither could Trixie. She rolled over and pressed the lamp on, turning back to see a steady stream of tears running down Trixie’s face- Whatever had happened, it had clearly shaken her up badly. “Hey. I’m here and you’re safe now.” Katya reassured her before leaning down and gently kissing away the tears from her eyes. Trixie held her breath.

After all the tears had gone, Katya stopped. She feared she had crossed a line regarding their agreement to be friends but when she began to pull away, Trixie reached up and pulled Katya’s face back towards hers. She pushed herself up on her elbows and pressed a kiss onto Katya’s lips. Katya froze before kissing back and Trixie pulled her in. It wasn’t aggressive or forceful, like Jamie’s kiss had been. Instead Trixie just languidly pressed kisses across Katya’s jawline and the Russian reciprocated. 

When Katya finally rolled back over, it was to pull a pack of makeup wipes out her bed side drawer. “Here” she ran the wipe across Trixie’s face with one hand until Trixie flinched away. “Did I hurt you?”

Trixie shook her head and Katya continued gently until the makeup gave way to a yellowing bruise which spanned across half of her face. Trixie turned away, ashamed.  
Katya propped herself up properly and took in the fading black eye Trixie had obviously covered with makeup before. “Did Jamie do thi-”

Trixie shook her head.

“Then who?” Katya’s thoughts reeled. She was disappointed in herself for not noticing Trixie’s pain before now, she was furious at whoever had done this, and she was heartbroken for Trixie. Trixie who came across as loud and colourful to the general public, but, after getting to know her as a friend in private, turned out to be thoughtful and intelligent and vulnerable.

She barely heard Trixie whisper the word and shook her head.

“My stepdad” Trixie repeated.

Katya’s jaw dropped and she just wanted to hold Trixie to tell her it was all okay, but she wasn’t actually sure it was. Trixie had explained their tough relationship, but Katya hadn’t realised quite how extreme this torture had been. “Trix, I-”

Trixie shook her head this time and sat up further before pulling Katya towards her by her pyjama shirt collar and kissed her again. “I don’t want to think about it right now.” She had an unreadable expression in her eyes and Katya felt so much sadness for her. She drew her in, and they kissed, tongues twisting in a delicate dance. Katya gasped and pulled away from her. Trixie was in a vulnerable state and she didn’t want to take advantage, but the younger girl continued. “Just help me forget.”

Katya wanted this so badly, but she couldn’t. She had frozen and could see Trixie looking at her from the corner of her eye. The younger took Katya by the chin and kissed her slowly to get her attention. When Katya was looking, Trixie sat back on her knees and pulled her shirt over her head, revealing her shirtless torso. Katya sucked in a breath. “Katya, Please. I need this.” She kissed her exposed collarbone before drawing up towards her ear and whispering, “I need you.”

That was enough for Katya, who knew she would regret it come the morning time but right now all she wanted to do was help Trixie in whatever way she could. She pressed breathy kisses across Trixie’s jaw, down her breast and across her rib cage- where another huge yellow bruise sat. Trixie was occupied with removing Katya’s top as she continued mapping her body with light kisses. Where it had been gentle whispers in the dark, now it was all fire. They sunk slowly into the bed until Trixie was laying completely underneath Katya, who was finally shirtless. Katya crawled back up her body before kissing Trixie deep and long, there was no fire in this interaction just tranquillity. It felt right to Trixie, who shoved Katya’s head towards her waist band. Her pink nails slipped under her pyjama bottoms and she began to wriggle out of them before Katya, who stopped touching Trixie completely, came back to her senses. 

She held Trixie’s palm up to her mouth, careful not to hurt her any further, and then began to sit her back up. “Trixie, I want to do this for you- with you. But now I’m asking you, not like this.”

Trixie’s cloudy haze of thoughts began to clear, and she looked back at the woman in front of her, who looked more desperately sad than Trixie had ever seen. This was one of her best friends, and someone she loved a lot. But the nagging at the back of her mind, and Katya’s almost annoying kindness reminded Trixie that this could never happen. She mourned what she could never have. “At least kiss me one more time.”

And so, Katya did kiss her, maybe more than one time, before they both settled back into bed with even less of a reason to sleep than before. Although, this time their limbs were tangled, and they still hadn’t redressed themselves. Katya felt her heart pound and she felt bad for not giving this girl some time where she didn’t have to think “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

Trixie hummed and took a strand of Katya’s blonde bob to play with. “I’m sorry it has to be this way. I will properly explain one day.”

Katya nodded, although she was starting to understand exactly why Trixie had asked for the friends only relationship. It hurt so badly, but as long as she was there to protect her from now on, she didn’t think it mattered. “Don’t feel obliged to tell me anything.” She pressed a peck against the corner on Trixie’s mouth again “Although you know I will gladly listen.”

Trixie closed her eyes, apparently satisfied with her apology. Being next to Katya had brought the most amount of serenity all day, and she knew she had to be honest with her. And she knew that her parents were waiting for her to go back home. And she knew that Jamie was probably seething with anger and bitching about her to a gossip column. But right now she couldn’t bring herself to cry about all the people who touched her without consent and thought they owned her again, because Katya was here to protect her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warning: Mentions of abuse and homophobia*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates are slow at the minute because it is assessment time at Uni! Thank you for all the comments and kudos... I truly appreciate every one for reading. I hope you're enjoying it so far!

The next few weeks had been more than rocky for Trixie, but she had years of dealing with her family, and it was almost easy for her to detach herself from that part of her life. Every day of the week, she filmed a video and tried to throw herself into her channel and enjoy the elements of it which had enticed her when she started Youtube all those years ago. Besides, the last 4 years had just been her and her family: Her parents weren’t kind; and her brother was away so it had been lonely. Now, Trixie could focus on the positive.  
At least once a week her and KimChi would meet up and film a video together. It was nice, during the coffee breaks, to chat and speak to her as though nothing was wrong. Her best friend was a light in her life and their shared love of the beauty industry could always boost Trixie’s mood. 

She and Jamie had announced their breakup publicly which meant Trixie never had to speak to him again after filming a few couple-type break up videos. It was frightening to see him face to face, but as he hadn’t been drinking she could almost see the old him. The one she had been good friends with. She mourned the loss of what they had been but definitely not the loss of their relationship, especially after how small he had made her feel. Naturally, her fans were devastated and wanted their favourite person to be happy. Unknowingly to them, Trixie was glad about the break though, and the coverage about her heartbreak on her channel brought in millions of views which pleased her mother.  


Seeing anybody else had proved to be more difficult. After Trixie had run from the date with Jamie, and arrived home the next morning, her punishments had been drastically heightened. She was going through a lot of her full-coverage foundation, wearing more long-sleeved dresses and wasn’t allowed out of the house at all, any collaborators coming to her. The idea of seeing Katya again had kept her going, and, despite the trauma she was going through, thinking of the blonde bombshell always made her smile. It was a small escape from her harsh reality. Although she had been scared and confused, the feelings she had for Katya still bubbled gently below the surface. She knew nothing could ever happen between them, but it filled her with a warm satisfaction when she thought of her.

Today was the day her house arrest was over. After churning out content for weeks, her parents had decided it may look strange if she was never out the house. Trixie suggested she go to the beach where she could vlog, although she didn’t tell them she would be inviting Katya along for their trip. She had woken up early and packed her bag, skipping out the house away from her parents. When she pulled up in her pink jeep, she caught a glance at the blonde bombshell leaning against the arcade wall smoking a cigarette. God, she had missed the sight of her.

Katya, on the other hand, had seen a lot of Trixie- Virtually of course. In the past weeks, she had eaten up Trixie’s live stories, videos and posts with an almost obsessive hunger. A heavy feeling of unease lodged itself in her throat when she watched the live of Trixie explaining how she had got the cut across her eyebrow by walking into a door. Watching with wide eyes, her hand brushed her own cheek where the yellowing bruises had almost completely faded- She had been there. Katya was familiar with hate crime, and if she didn’t know it would cause more trouble than it was worth, she would have marched back to Trixie’s house immediately. When Trixie finally messaged saying they had stopped monitoring her phone usage and trips out, Katya couldn’t contain her excitement. It had been 5 weeks now, and she was waiting outside the arcade anxiously for her to arrive. Her fingers trembled as she tried to light her cigarette. Three later and she heard a shout “Katya!”

Trixie reminded her of a stain glassed window- all colour and vibrancy, the epitome of beauty. Katya stomped out her cigarette before turning and going to join the other girl, who was now running, half way. Despite Katya being smaller than Trixie, she enveloped her in her arms and Trixie felt safe again. Katya had gone from being a strange camera woman at a coffee machine to the only semblance of home Trixie could find. The Russian’s grin sparkled, and she sniffed to try and prevent tears from falling. The pink-haired girl stepped back then, her hands still on Katya’s shoulder, and eyed her head-to-toe before a huge grin spread across her face as well. 

“I’ve missed you a lot, Pink”

“And I missed you too, Russia. Shit, I missed you so much.”

Trixie hooked her arm round Katya’s elbow and began to skip towards the beach. She felt utterly and completely happy. And despite the bad news Katya had recieved from a very stormy phonecall this morning, she couldn’t help but feel happy too.


	13. Chapter 13

The girls walked towards the beach and grabbed onto one another as they stumbled through the sand dunes. When they were with each other it was though everything was funnier, like life was a black and movie until it was suddenly technicolour. They finally stumbled onto the flat area and Katya used Trixie as a balance when she pulled her shoes off with an enthusiastic aggression- Trixie followed suit. The pair were side by side, paddling in the shallow waves as they made their way across the beach. Trixie dropped her hand by her side and brushed Katya’s gently with her pinkie finger. Katya blushed and turned her head up to grin at her but didn’t make out to hold her hand as she knew that was risky in public.

After talking, walking and laughing they finally found a spot to perch down at, and Trixie took some towels out of her backpack to place on the ground. Katya dug her feet into the sand and wiggled her toes about, making Trixie laugh, and she looked out into the compelling tranquillity of the ocean. The sun beat down on Trixie, who had to remove her cover-up- leaving her in just a tight short-sleeved yellow romper. She settled next to Katya and rested her head on her shoulder, following her gaze to the ocean.

Katya turned when she felt Trixie’s head and looked down at where her hand was on Katya’s knee, a purple mark spreading its tendrils across her forearm. Trixie noticed her looking and twisted her body in a way to hide her bruise. She didn’t want to have this conversation again. Instead she made a joke about Katya’s jelly sandals which had been thrown into the sand next to them. Katya breathed out a laugh half-heartedly. Trixie sat up “Hey red, you okay?”

Turning her head to scan Trixie’s face with a tight smile, Katya nodded “Uh-huh.” Trixie had enough on her plate without having to deal with her problems as well.

“Katya. You don’t have to lie to me just because I’m a fuckup.”

She laughed then, not surprised that Trixie could practically read her thoughts. “I just got some bad news from home, that’s all. Don’t worry about it.”

Trixie frowned “From Boston? I thought your college room-mate had moved here to Wisconsin with you?”

“No” Katya shook her head and closed her eyes to block out the intense gaze Trixie held on her “From Russia. From my Sister.”

The pink haired girl reached for Katya’s hand, which was now fiddling with the strap of the discarded jelly platform. “Oh?”

“Yeah.” She stroked Trixie’s hand gently with her thumb, uncertain as to whether it was to comfort the younger or to calm herself down. “She called to tell me that my mom isn’t well. I don’t know why really. It’s not like I can do anything about it from over here.” Katya shrugged, trying to come across nonchalant but a tear had fallen, and it ruined the façade. 

“Why don’t you go back to Russia then?”

Katya sat up, rigid, and dropped Trixie’s hand. She was looking at Trixie, yet her eyes seemed to be glazed over in thought. Trixie felt uncertain of her word choices for the first time around Katya since their first awkward encounter. “I, um- I hadn’t thought about that.” She was chewing her bottom lip incessantly now and Trixie couldn’t help but play with the ring on her own hand, the anxiety of the conversation seemed to be spreading and weighing down on them both. Katya had been silent for a long time now and when she spoke Trixie almost jumped. “But my life is here. Everything I’ve worked for is here.” She paused again and then her blue eyes bore into Trixie’s “You are here.”

Trixie took a glance around the beach and it seemed pretty empty, so she risked reached out to hold Katya’s hand again. She wanted to do something, anything, to help her feel better especially after all Katya had done to support Trixie in the months they had known each other. “Listen. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me and I can’t pretend that it wont tear me apart more than slightly by watching you leave.” She was crying alongside Katya now “-however this is your family. And I know you don’t talk about them a lot, but you seem like you love your mom a lot if it’s eating you up like this. If you feel helpless here, you should go home.”

Katya just nodded and snuggled her head against Trixie’s chest, and the younger woman held her tightly. She choked back another sniffle and laughed “Sorry Trix I’m fully just crying on your boobs.” She glanced up and watched her hold back a scream, but the laughter was stilted. “You’re right by the way. It’s just a lot to think about, and I might be gone for a really long time.”

Trixie just held her tightly before finally saying “You don’t have to decide right now. Hey, lets just try and enjoy our day. Yeah?” 

Katya grinned properly now. “Yeah.” And as she stripped down to her bikini, Trixie squirting some more sunscreen on her arms, the tendrils of anxiety seemed to release their grip on them. The creature lay awake in the dark but for now it was just out of reach. Trixie was right, she didn’t have to decide right now. They made their way into the water, hand in hand, and some semblance of peace settled over her for now.

-

Later, when Trixie had pulled up in the parking space beside Katya’s apartment block, the two sat in silence as the weight of some unanswered questions became heavy once again. They were both thinking the same things. Would Katya actually go to Russia? How long will she be gone for? What will become of them? In the warm orange glow of the streetlights, Katya finally moved to turn the radio down and turned to look directly at Trixie. “I’ve decided I need to go.”

Trixie nodded and tried to smile without breaking down. “I think that’s for the best.”

“Please understand that I don’t want to leave you. I actually really want you to come with me.”

“You know I can’t do that.” The thought of going to Russia with Katya and leaving this life behind brought her to tears. “I so badly want to, but I can’t. My stepdad-“

“I know he would never let you. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not trying to run away from you or shut you out. You’re always going to be part of my life, Tracy Martel.” That answered 2 of the questions then. 

“How long do you think you will be gone for? I get that you can’t know properly but you must have an idea.”

“I think it will be a few months at least. Mom is seriously unwell. Until she gets better, I guess” She swallowed. “It could be years.” Katya had been twisting Trixie’s ring on her finger, which had become a comfort to both of them now, but she stopped to think and check the time. “You need to go; I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Trixie groaned “God. I feel like a child sneaking around. This is so stupid; I just want to spend time with you Kat. I don’t know what I will do without you for a few weeks, let alone years.” 

“Me neither. You don’t have any idea of how much you’ve improved my life. You give me a reason to live.”

The other girl frowned at this. She had always thought that Katya was a bright and bubbly soul but clearly, she had only seen one side of her. Today had been the first time she had seen her down at all really. She had even treated being mugged as a joke despite the darker undercurrent of the attack. “I always thought I weighed you down.”

“Trix, since the day I met you my life has significantly improved. You don’t weigh me down- I love to spend time with you. I love… You make me happy.”

Trixie shifted back and began to put on her jacket to distract from the blush spreading over her cheeks. “Can I walk you home?”

Katya let out a loud laugh and gripped Trixie’s’ knee to steady herself. “We are literally parked outside my flat right now, you whore.”

Smirking, Trixie said “Those corridors may be treacherous. Hold on.” She jumped out of the car and ran around to the passenger side to open the door. She gently dried the remainder of Katya’s tears before holding out her arm. “M’Lady.”

“Oh miss!” Katya threw her cast arm to her forehead and took Trixie’s with her good one and continued with her fake British accent. “How ever would I have lived without you?” She hopped down onto the sidewalk. “You are my hero!” The pair looked at each other for a moment before bursting out into laughter. 

They made their way down the corridor until Katya had to unloop her arm from Trixie’s to unlock her door (after struggling with the other arm which was still in a cast for about 5 minutes). When she finally got the key in the door she turned around to face Trixie, who was stood so close she could feel her gentle breaths against her cheek. Placing her hands on Katya’s waist, she stepped forwards knocking her back into the door. “By the way, you make me happy too.” 

The knot in Katya’s stomach tightened as she fought to find her words. She glanced down to her pink lips then back up to her eyes. “Trix I know we just have to be friends bu-”

Trixie cut her off by closing the gap between them, kissing her with all the passion she had kept within her over the course of knowing Katya. The Russian reciprocated and laid a gentle hand on Trixie’s lower back, where her hot skin was exposed through her lacy cover up, pulling her in. Katya pulls back briefly to lick her lips before bringing Trixie back and deepening their kiss. Trixie’s leg wraps around Katya’s shin and Katya pulls her up and holds her around her waist with her single hand. She grunts into Trixie’s mouth as she exerts force on her damaged arm and it brings her slightly back to reality. Trixie squawks out a chuckle at being lifted up and Katya nibbles her ear before whispering “Violet and Pearl are out.” 

As she tugged on the hem of Katya’s tank top, Trixie breathed out “I have to go.” She shoved her tongue back into the other’s mouth. They didn’t break the kiss as they threw open the door and stumbled. Katya kicked off her shoes and Trixie did the same. “I seriously can’t stay. “

“I know.” She laid another kiss on her jaw and Trixie took her hand to lead them to Katya’s room.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trixie and Katya won a streamy award and i'm so attached that it put me in a good mood for 3 days :D So proud of them!  
> Uni has broken up for the Christmas holidays now which means more time to write hopefully!  
> Please expect a minor bit of smut in the beginning of this chapter :)

Before the bedroom door is fully closed, Trixie is already stripping out of her cover-up so she is left in just a pink bra and underwear. Once Katya has uncovered her own face after pulling off her tank top, she takes in the sight of Trixie. “Fuck.” The younger only leans forwards and tucks her thumbs into the front of Katya’s shorts to drag her into another, more frantic, kiss. Katya moans into her mouth and undoes Trixie’s bra, which stays up as their bodies are pressed together “Trix you absolutely need to take my clothes off right now.” 

Trixie steps back and lets her bra fall to the floor- leaving her topless, and Katya slack jawed. Sure, they had been here before but never with such intention. She kneels to the ground and pulls Katya closer to her by the buckles of her shorts. She lays a feather-light touch at both her ankles before running her fingers up the back of Katya’s toned legs, tugging her shorts down at an agonisingly slow pace. Katya is chewing her lip above her, eyes dark on Trixie who breaths “You are just so fucking hot. Oh my God.” Her face is too close to Katya’s panties now, and her hot breath is only making the Russian wetter. “You have a thing for compliments, huh, Red?” 

Katya couldn’t bear it any longer and begins to undo her own bra before dragging Trixie over to lay on the edge of the bed. “I just have a thing for you, Talullah.” 

Trixie squirmed underneath her roaming hands before letting out a desperate moan. “I need you.” Katya leant over her to kiss the bruise across Trixie’s rib and used her good arm to prop herself up and Trixie burst into laughter. The other cocked her eyebrow quizzically, in mock offence. “Look at the pair of us. Were both such a mess!” 

Looking down at her own cast and then at the scars and bruises across Trixie’s half naked body, Katya couldn’t help but laugh too. “The world just can’t take the lesbian lifestyle, mama.” Katya retorts. The humour seemed to break the heightened tension and instead a familiar sensation of warmth surrounded them. 

It made Trixie feel safe for the first time in a long time, and she brought Katya up to suck a mark on her neck before chuckling into the warmth of her dirty blonde hair. “Now get on with it, you hag.”  
“Ok, Jesus. Somebody is fucking impatient.” She was berating Trixie, yet she still brought her face down Trixie’s body and stopped right over her heat. Trixie let out a gasp when her needs were finally met, and Katya flattened her tongue against her clit. Katya got to work properly then, drawing through the wet off her folds with her finger before fully going to town with her tongue. After working her fingers and mouth together, and Trixie beginning to shake almost violently with need, Katya drew back suddenly. Trixie couldn’t help but sit up slightly at this and Katya laughed at her dishevelled state. “I just wanted to know” - Katya began, watching as Trixie’s darkened eyes scanned her naked form in a filthy display of lust - “If now was an appropriate time for me”- concern now seemed to spread thoroughly across Trixie’s features and Katya almost felt mean –“To start singing ‘Pussy good Pussy sweet’.” Her smudged red lipstick was almost clownish as Katya broke out into the biggest grin.

Trixie pushed forward to smack her across the shoulder, letting out a groan. “You absolute monster. Evil! My poor fucking pussy is throbbing, and you pull shit like this!” She was taking a handful of Katya’s hair now and dragging her back down to finish the job. Katya immediately slid her fingers back into her soaking core and picked up an ever-increasing pace. With her hand and mouth on Trixie, the cast hand teasing a nipple, she had brought the girl to the complete edge. She was gripping the sheets so much her knuckles were white, and her sweat meant Katya could see the freckles and rosy tinge of her cheeks through her makeup. She could watch Trixie in this state all day, wound up so tight, gasping her name. 

“Kat.” Katya pushed harder. “I- I’m gonna c-“

And with that, Trixie was coming apart. Her moans were definitely going to get Katya a noise complaint, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Trixie was relaxing slightly now so Katya pulled out her fingers and let her suck on them. It was enough for her to want to cum right there and then. Thank God Trixie was pulling on her now to sit over her face, her pink nails gripping deep into her muscular thighs. God, this was all she had ever wanted. All thoughts that this was going to change sooner than either of them wanted had left her head by the time Trixie was putting her tongue inside her. 

After, they both lay panting on the bed for a moment before Trixie wrapped her naked leg around Katya’s waist. “You are literally the best thing in my life.” Katya, half asleep, leant forward to place a kiss on Trixie’s nose before drifting off. Trixie fell asleep moments after, all the emotions of the day washing over her. 

-

When Trixie awakes with a start and looks around, the room is dark with the only light coming from the orange streetlight through the blinds of the window. It must be late. Katya is in a deep sleep beside her and a warm fuzzy feeling makes its home in Trixie’s chest. And then it dawns on her.

She scrambles out of bed and pulls one of Katya’s baggy shirts over her head quickly. Her eyes dart around the room, searching frantically for her phone. When she finally finds it in her tote bag (which she had apparently left by the front door) and goes to check it, she is met by a black screen glaring back at her. She shoves Katya a bit too harshly and the Russian jumps to a start. 

“What the fuck?” Her features soften when she focuses on Trixie. “Hey what’s wrong?” 

Trixie was bending over now to search through Katya’s pile of clothes to find something which would let her know the time. She twisted her head back around to face her. “We fell asleep. I don’t know the time. It’s too late.” The pink-haired girl was reaching hysterics now and she struggled to keep her breathing in check. “Katya, I need a charger please.” 

Katya had already leapt into action, running to prise Trixie’s phone from her hand and plug it in. Then she found her phone which was down the side of the bed and knelt next to Trixie to hand it to her. It was 4am. 

“Fuck. Oh my God. They’re going to kill me, Kat.” Her fingers gripped Katya’s so hard that her knuckles were turning white. Normally Katya would laugh at such a dramatic statement but the fear in Trixie’s eyes told her she wasn’t being all that dramatic. 

She was shutting down right in front of her and Katya was reminded of when she was younger. “Hey, Trix, focus on my voice. We will sort it. I can come with you?”

“I think that will just make things worse.” She was coming back to reality now. At least Katya had managed to calm her slightly and she knew that Trixie didn’t mean her words in a hurtful way. “I need to go for real this time. The longer I leave it, the worse he will be.” Trixie turned and properly looked Katya in the eyes now, and it was as though she was boring into her soul. The tentacles of dread seemed to be wrapping themselves around Katya’s heart once again. Trixie squeezed her forearm in a gentle display of love. It reminded Katya of the first time they met. “Go to Russia. Seriously.” 

The world was suddenly very big, and Katya felt very small knelt on the floor of her tiny bedroom in her tiny apartment in the tiny city. She felt the space of the entire universe swallow her up and barely noticed as Trixie let go of her fist after kissing her knuckles. She was leaving to Russia to face reality, and the depth of everything that was out of her control was a bit too much. She tuned back in when she noticed Trixie grabbing her bag, ready to leave the room. “Wait.” Her voice sounded strange, strangled. She lifted herself off the carpet and made her way towards her vision in pink. Her hand cupped her naturally blushed cheek as she willed herself to say those three words. It may the be the only chance she ever got. “I-”

“It’s too hard to say goodbye.” Trixie interrupted, as she jerked her head away from Katya’s hand to wipe away her steady stream of tears. “I have to go.”

“Trixie, please.”

Trixie removed the silver ring from her finger, twisting it one last time, and folded it into Katya’s palm. “I’m sorry.” 

And with that, she was slipping away. Water running through her hands and into the fast-flowing stream of things Katya couldn’t stop from changing. She was mindlessly following after Trixie through the hallway and shutting the door behind her. Willing her to come back, to have that cliché moment like in the movies where they come back, Katya stayed by the door for too long. And then she finally dragged herself up from the floor once more and booked a one-way flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say a big thankyou to everyone reading! I have not written fanfiction since I was 14 (so about 6 years ago) and I'm sure yall can imagine the poor quality of that ahha. Let me know any feeback or constructive criticism! x


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Trigger warning: Graphic depictions of abuse and homophobia*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you are all enjoying this story- I love hearing your feedback! This part was difficult to write as when I was planning the story this part always seemed to be a big question mark. Hopefully it turned out ok :) Thanks for sticking with me!

Katya had stayed up all night packing her most important items into a couple of suitcases. The rest she had just tidied away, with the hopes she would be back to this tiny apartment sooner rather than later. She had called her work and explained the situation and they had explained that one of their productions was being filmed in Russia if she wanted to transfer. After she had rung her in a fit of tears at 6 in the morning, Violet had offered to go speak to her landlord and find a lodger whilst Katya was gone. It seemed as though the pieces were fitting together almost perfectly, as her life formed itself back around her. But there was still a huge piece missing. She had thought about every different way she could go after Trixie, but she had told her it would only make things worse after all. Instead, she merely tried to push out any twisted thoughts of what would come of her girl. Her Girl? They had slept together one and a half times. Katya rolled her eyes. What would come of her best friend? 

Katya was just about to finish throwing out the last of her food when there was a banging on the door. Maybe she had come back! Maybe she was okay. White dots speckled her vision as she stood up from the cupboard too quickly to run to the door. Instead of being greeted with her pink beauty, a gruff looking man was taking up most of the entrance. He was red in the face and held a stony look in his eyes. Katya had never seen this man before and was confused as to why he had knocked on her door with such urgency. “Hi, um, can I help you?”

The man shoved past Katya and into her apartment, gritting his teeth together. “I know she was with you.” 

Katya felt indignant. “Excuse me?”

“Beatrice Mattel.” She shivered at the use of Trixie’s full name; the one Trixie hated being called by. Katya understood why. “She left her phone here, I tracked it.” He was turning back around to face Katya now, and she couldn’t help but squeeze Trixie’s ring in her pocket. She didn’t know whether to feel angry or scared, though she was fairly certain this was him. The cause of all Trixie’s pain.

“Why do you need to know?”

He stepped forward and caught Katya’s wrist in his grip. His eyes scanned her from head to toe. The black boots, the fishnets, and the red flannel all the way up to her red lips and blonde bob. “Because I can no longer have some faggot corrupting her, you understand? She has a reputation to uphold.”

She was almost at a loss for words, but she needed to know if Trixie was safe. She couldn’t believe this is what the other girl had been dealing with on a daily basis. Pride flooded through her and she found her words. “I am not corrupting anyone. You’re the corrupt one. Where is she? Did you hurt her?” 

He laughed and pushed her back, so she stumbled over one of her suitcases. “Where is her phone? I know it’s here. I’ll need to have it cleared so she can no longer contact fucking dykey sinners like you.”

Now sat folded against the wall, Katya could only shrug. Any bravery had been washed straight back out of her. “I have no idea. I’ve just emptied my entire apartment and I didn’t see it I swear.”

The towering man took a bottle from the pile of rubbish on the side and smashed it against the counter before holding up the cut edges to Katya’s face. She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. “You do not want to mess with me.” With his other hand, he used his phone to call Trixie’s and seconds later ‘Barbie Girl’ cut through the apartment. He shot a warning look at her before stalking towards the bedroom and finding the phone under the dresser where Trixie must have dropped it in her hurry earlier that morning. 

When he came back, he crouched back in front of Katya, who was still curled up against the kitchen wall, and pushed the glass up against her jaw. She could feel the blood pounding through her head, heavy as a drum. She dared not move, squeezing her eyes closed further as the sharp edge of the bottle cut into her face. “If you ever come after her or speak to her again-” He was growling as the glass sliced a ribbon across the bottom of her chin “-I will kill you. But I’ll kill her first and make you watch.” Katya let out a sob at this and the banging in her head got louder. She was squeezing the ring hard enough to distract from the man sat inches away, sure that she was cutting into her palm with her nails. The drumming was louder, the pain worse, searing, and then it was gone.

She blinked to clear her white vision. Any signs that he had ever been there were minimal, and it felt wrong that her apartment was still as clean and empty as a show room, the bottle back in the pile of trash. She brushed her hand across her face and winced when it came away red. She needed to get out. 

-

It had been a quick journey to the airport, after she had tended to the cut on her face and thrown out the trash Katya had taken herself to the taxi rank which all of her belongings stuffed into her 2 suitcases. She was sat on a hard plastic chair now, watching the minutes tick away until she could board. Every vein in her body thrummed with a need to run, but her heart beat louder when she thought about everything she was leaving behind. After the events of the morning, Katya felt unbelievably guilty for leaving Trixie. She just had to remind herself that she was an adult and could take care of herself- Katya would just make things worse. 

-

When you are crossing a rotting bridge, at what point do you turn back? Katya couldn’t help but turn this question over and over in her head as she watched the people below grow smaller. The world was far away now, and up in the clouds it seemed as though she was in an un-penetrable bubble. At one time, flying in these bubbles had been tranquil- one of the few things in life to bring peace to her fast-pace life. Yet here, right now, all she felt was trapped. She had crossed the rotten bridge and it had crumbled behind her. There didn’t seem to be an obvious way back.

Of course, she could always get a return flight but then who would look after her mother and her younger sister? She had made the right choice, this much she knew. Crossed the bridge right before it was too late- right before her mother would pass, although Katya didn’t know that in this very moment. At this moment, her stomach swirled with the thoughts of what she had left Trixie to deal with. She couldn’t help but run the smooth metal of Trixie’s silver ring across her lips, like the memory of a gentle kiss. Katya knew this ring had meant a lot to Trixie and now it belonged to her, almost like a promise that this wasn’t the end. So why did it feel like the end? She had said goodbye to her apartment, the notches on the wood flooring from where she stored her studio equipment. She had closed the door on that chapter in her life. She had promised Trixie’s stepfather that she wouldn’t intervene, not in so many words. She had fixed the rotten bridge.

Yet, a worm was gnawing at her thoughts. Yes, her and Trixie may have left on good terms but Trixie wasn’t safe. This had been the closest Katya had ever come to loving someone so deeply and she wasn’t about to let her get hurt. Surely there must be some way to safe her girl? Her foot tapped the floor of the plane as she anxiously sifted through a plethora of plans and ideas- She had to figure something out. When the bulb finally lit in her head, all she could do was wait until she landed in Russia so she could access her phone. Perhaps the bridge wasn’t so rotten after all.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Mentions of abuse and depictions of depression / brief mentions of suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> Sorry for being gone longer than I expected! I intend to go back to somewhat regular uploading. 
> 
> This one was quite heavy but I think its worth it if you stick it out x   
> Stay safe and enjoy x

Trixie was cocooned in her huge bed sheets, stuffing her head under her pillow to block out the light. It seemed to taunt her, the tendrils of brightness encroaching on the dark, dark world she was now living in. Her mind, at one point was swirling with a hurricane of thoughts- so much so that she had found it hard to do anything at all for a long time after Katya had left. By now though, she had reverted to the empty husk she had been before meeting her blonde bombshell. The only coherent, recurring idea? Life was cruel.

She had once heard her mother say something like “Things always have to get worse before they got better.” But Trixie had achieved her better, she had met Katya and now lost her too, so what now? The night they had said goodbye, she had never felt closer to anyone. All hot skin and laughter and, dare she even say, love. The pollyanna part of her had assumed that Katya leaving was a temporary bump in the road. That her step-father would only hurt her for a small while longer before she could escape. All those hopes and dreams and stupid, taunting plans flurried through her head those first few weeks after Katya had left. That had been 7 months ago.

And so, tucked into the darkness of her bed sheets, she came to terms with the fact that maybe life didn’t get better after it got worse. Instead it only grew more painful. She was beginning to think there was only one way out of this: that maybe she had to leave Katya behind, along with the rest of the world. After all, she had nothing left.

Only a couple of days after Katya had gone, Trixie’s step-father had presented her a new phone after denying he knew anything of the old phones whereabouts. He had told her they needed to keep giving her fans what they wanted so they didn’t become suspicious. She had played with the idea of leaving hidden messages in her videos, but decided it was too much of a risk. 

When 8 weeks had passed since Katya had gone, it had already felt like an entire eternity to Trixie. As though most of the colour had been stripped from her, already drab, life. The only thing she had going for her was that small connection to the outside. She couldn’t withhold a smile when considering that Katya could probably see all her videos and her stories, and it brought a genuine warmth to her onscreen persona. Those first 2 months she had worked hard as a distraction from not being able to see her friends, a distraction from thinking too hard about Katya’s emotional trauma, and a distraction from her own. So, when her family held a meeting to explain that she had to announce she would be taking a hiatus from her channel, every ounce of joy left had also been swept out from under her feet, leaving her unsteady once again. She had reached to twist the ring on her left hand, only to find it empty and reminding her of Katya again. Her chest ached with emptiness.

It had been 5 months when she had almost entirely given up, useful only as her step-fathers pawn. Her siblings had moved away years ago, leaving as soon as they had the chance to, therefore she was entirely alone now. She was thin, too thin. The man who made her life living hell had insisted that she wasn’t ‘fuckable enough’ for men when she looked like a ‘fat dyke’, and soon after her meals had become few and far between. She had never been physically weaker, unable to head out of the house to see her old personal trainer. Her skin was pallid and almost blue, her bones weary. That day he was having one of his worse days, having gone to a fucking church sermon on homosexuality or some shit, and he had torn up through the house straight into Trixie’s room. She had been peeled from her bloodied carpet by her mother the next morning. Since that day, it was hard for her to pull the cover off from over her head. She remembered all those months ago, sat sobbing on Pearls doorstep, begging silently for the darkness to take her. That day the feeling had become tenfold.

And now she was here, still in bed, waiting for the next person to drag her out of bed and yank her hair or fake some semblance of warmth. She was trying to focus on something positive, draw herself back to earth. 5 things, 4 things, 3 things, 2 things, 1 thing. Her breathing eventually levelled out and she thought about the things that normally brought her clarity, reasons to live. Katya. Katya who she still loved so much, Katya who was probably going through a lot herself right now, Katya who she couldn’t even message. Katya, Katya, Katya. 

She was finally settling down, becoming numb enough to fall back to sleep, when an aggressive rapping on the door downstairs startled her. The thumping footsteps on the stairs made her retreat further into her bed sheet cocoon, praying that her step-father hadn’t brought any of his conservative friends around again. Her heartbeat seemed to drown out any other sounds, pounding on the inside of her head, and she couldn’t focus on anything as she attempted to check out of reality. The reaches of fear got her eventually, the loud noises and complications downstairs becoming too much for her, and she felt her eyes rolling back into her head.

-

“Hey, Trixie, is it?” A tall, silver haired woman was shaking her elbow gently to sit her up before handing her a bottle of water. The sensations were all coming to her now, the beeping of the machines, the blue lights of the screens. They reminded her of the night she had slept in that uncomfortable plastic chair after Katya had been admitted to hospital. Hospital. She blinked. 

“Hm, I- um. Yeah.” Trixie’s words were barely even coherent. The woman smiled as if she understood completely.

“Hi Beatrice, I’m Michelle. I wanted to be here when you woke up so you weren’t confused.”

Trixie pushed herself up on the bed to focus properly on Michelle. 

“You’re okay. Well, I imagine you’re not mentally okay, however, the doctors have given you an IV drip and will be nursing your body back to full health. You are quite malnourished.”

Trying to move again, only to be held back by the cannula in her arm, Trixie cocked her eyebrow helplessly. She felt as though she was dreaming. “Who are you?” She asked incredulously. 

“Oh.” Michelle stifled a laugh and squeezed Trixie’s elbow again. It was the first bit of physical contact which had made her feel comforted since, well since Katya. 7 months ago. 

“As I said, my name is Michelle. My colleagues call me Visage. I am the social worker on your case.”

“Right. My case?”

“We received several tips a few months ago that Trixie Mattel, the youtuber, was not being treated correctly by her caregiver. Obviously that’s you. And the tips were right, so here we are.”

Trixie felt a rage burning up within her, cheeks turning hot. She was definitely coming into some kind of clarity now. “You received this information months ago and you have only just showed up?” In a weird way, it felt nice to feel something other than emptiness. The emotion felt alien inside her, leaving an odd taste in her mouth. She elected that it was nice, and the anger left way for mild annoyance.

“I know, I’m so sorry we couldn’t intervene sooner. Unfortunately, we had to gain enough evidence before the police were granted access to search your home. And because of your youtube videos, you seemed normal so half the team didn’t even believe it.”

“What made you stay with the case then?”

“The person who was giving us most of the information seemed very passionate about it. To me, they felt less like some unhinged fan and more like they had grounds to what they were telling us.”

Somewhere else in the hospital, new mothers were screaming, children were crying over their broken bones, expectant families chattering. Yet everything seemed silent to Trixie and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling. A true smile. Katya had been helping her all this time, from across the world. It had to be. A big part of Trixie had tried to let herself down easily, imagining Katya too invested in her own family and leaving Trixie to fend for herself. But of course this made sense. Katya, her Katya, didn’t have a selfish bone in her body. Yes maybe she sometimes ate the last fry or forgot to hold the door open for people but that was never on purpose. She was kind. And she had thought about Trixie.

Michelle smiled curiously at Trixie. “This tip led us to speaking to some other people who seemed to be equally concerned. And then there were your fans, who someone got wind of this and rallied for you. Its been huge. A lot of people care about you.”

Her hand shaking, Trixie went to wipe away her tears. Those words had never resonated with her. These last months of her life she had never felt more alone, more abused, more worthless. And now it was over. And she was sure it was because of Katya. “Can I ask a question?”

“If you want to ask who the tip was, I’m not really supposed to tell you at this point. Things are still being investigated.”

Trixie glanced down to her hands solemnly. God, she hadn’t realised quite how bony she had become but the yellow overhead lights didn’t really leave anything up to illusion. 

“But, I have to reason to believe that you two were extremely close if any of the other witnesses were being truthful.” Trixie’s lip was trembling as she held back more tears. “I also think that it would cause no harm if I accidentally let slip that we have been unable to talk to this person in person as they may or may not be in another country.”

And then the tears had come. Ignoring the fact that she was still in Russia, Trixie didn’t feel anything but bliss. She was grateful, and happy and finally hopeful. And in love. Katya had saved her.


	17. Chapter 17

The camera clicks on.

“Hey guys! I am just making this video to say-”

Trixie falters, sighs and runs her hands raggedly through her hair. She restarts the recording.

“Hi guys! I am making this video to say thank you.” She pauses again, thinking about the past several months -and years- of her life. “Seriously, I heard that my fans had a lot to do with helping me out. And with everything that has happened... Everything that has happened.” Her voice was quaking now and her lip trembling, the tears gently streaming down her face. She clicked off her camera.

The past few days had been a strange whirlwind of excitement, relief, fear and exhaustion. Trixie knew she had to make a video to post and update her followers, especially because she was so grateful for how they had rallied for her cause. At this point, however, it was just too hard. Being dragged from the police station, to doctors’ appointments and back to the hotel she had been put up in was draining to say the least. Trixie flopped back onto the grey satin sheets and focused on a piece of dust clinging to the ceiling, the way it flicked about in the slight gust from the air conditioning unit. In this expensive hotel room, painted in monochromatic tones, and with half her belongings in police custody as evidence it was hard to feel free at all. And that wasn’t even mentioning Katya being halfway across the world.

Katya.

Trixie shifted at the thought and managed to sling herself across the bed to grab her phone from the nightstand, using up her last reserve of energy for the day- possibly the week. She flicked through the plethora of notifications from friends and ‘family’ alike before finding herself back at the messages application. Clicking on Katya’s name she stared down at the multitude of seen texts she had sent since Michelle had found her, expressing how much she missed her, loved her, how much she was thankful. The first time she had messaged her, Michelle had warned that Katya hadn’t been in contact over the last few weeks, yet Trixie had hoped that she would at least reply to her. She hadn’t. Though Trixie wasn’t one to give in and typed out another message:

Hi Katya, still missing you. I hope ur ok over there in Russia- I’m sure you are, being that big old red flag communist woman I knew you to be. The trial is coming up soon and Michelle is pretty sure he’ll be jailed. Bcoz of you, that is. So yeah. Thankyou again. IK you’re probably busy working (Michelle told me you got a job after much persuading on my behalf!) but just let me know if im being overbearing. I love you.

Trixie eyed that last part, before back spacing and typing:

Sending love, Trix.

She nodded and pressed send. Deep down she knew Katya was fine, maybe just too busy to talk or too wrapped up in her new Russian girlfriend (if she had one, Trixie selfishly hoped she didn’t). Something was nagging at her though, gnawing deep down inside her. An alarm bell telling her that Katya would never not respond for this long, even after all this time. 

She switched off the lamp and stared at the ceiling again until her eyes acclimatised to the dark and she could watch the ripple of the dust ball. Shifting uncomfortably, she wriggled out of her suit jacket and clambered under the sheets still mainly dressed. She supposed she could shower tomorrow. But, even though she had no energy left, Trixie couldn’t sleep. The monster of worry wriggled deep inside her, restricting her breath and holding back dreams. The thrumming of her thoughts reminded her of the beeping hospital machines she had suffered before being delivered to the hotel the day before yesterday. A recurring question wound tight into her brain. Over and over again. 

What if something bad was happening to Katya?

Trixie must have finally fallen to sleep at some point, because now the alarm on her phone was giving her a rude awakening. She had slept restlessly, fitfully. Her brain running haywire with all the bad things that could be happening to Katya. The alarm was still blaring and Trixie could barely bring herself up to turn it off. 8am wasn’t early in comparison to her old work schedule, and it was another busy day with Michelle today but she was definitely finding things harder than she used to. She clicked snooze and decided she had earnt a few more moments before facing the day. 

-

After a long day, Trixie finally found herself somewhere she wanted to be- Having coffee with Kim. As much as Michelle has looked after her and tried her best to protect Trixie, a lot of the ground they had to cover was heavy and emotionally exhausting to face for hours at a time. So now, with a hot cup of coffee cradled in her hands and one of Kim’s hot pink blankets tucked around her shoulders, she was beginning to feel the effects of the last year thaw out. She sipped her coffee in satisfaction as Kim settled onto the couch next to her, nudging Trixie’s thigh with her toe.

“Hey… I think I owe you an apology.”

Trixie blinked repeatedly and turned to look at Kim, who was chewing on her lip. “What Kim?” She squawked. “You don’t have a single thing to apologise for!”

“Just… I would have… If I had known I would have helped. I’m just so sorry that-"

Trixie placed her coffee cup down and squeezed Kim’s forearm. “Look Kim. You didn’t know, nobody knew.”

“Katya knew.” She interjected.

“Katya only knew SOME stuff and that’s why she could help.” A warm smile took hold of her features as she thought about Katya “But I was going to say that even if you did know, I wouldn’t have expected you to do anything. It was my issue.” 

“I-“

“Kimberly, you’re my oldest and best friend girl-” she laughed “-even if you absolutely read me to filth sometimes. Just accept that I don’t hold anything against you. I’ve just really really fucking missed you.”

Kim smiled “I’ve missed you too, Trixie.” She elbowed her gently “How did today go, anyway?”

Kim and Trixie had been texting again ever since Trixie had been given a new phone, so Kim was already caught up on most of the ins and outgoings of Trixie’s day to day. Like how they hadn’t been able to meet yet thanks to all the meetings and doctors’ appointments, and today- therapy. It was a refreshing change of pace to finally speak in person for the first time in almost a year. 

“Ahh, I’m sure you can imagine how tiring it was. I had my first proper session with Shea today. I guess it was nice that Michelle set me up with a female therapist though…”

“Oh fun” Kim laughed, albeit a bit awkwardly. “Had to talk about all your textbook dad trauma?”

Trixie slapped Kim playfully and snorted “I think you’ll find its step-dad trauma, actually.”

“Oh Jesus, my bad. It’s hard to keep up with your issues sometimes.” Kim wheezed. 

“If I’m going to be vulnerable for a moment, it was actually kinda great to talk about everything without the fear that he was just going to appear out of nowhere and beat the shit out of me, yanno?” 

“Funnily enough, I don’t know.” Trixie laughed at that. “But I can try and understand. And Trixie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m proud of you.”

Trixie covered her hand over her mouth and pretended to throw up. “Ugh affection. What happened to the cold hearted bitch I used to know?"

“Shut UP you whore!”

Squealing, Trixie smacked her leg repeatedly in joy “There she is!”

As the evening progressed, things gradually fell back into place and Trixie no longer felt empty and numb. The colour was starting to return to her life, properly, she noticed. And she knew it would get better from here on out- felt it deep in her bones. As clear as day, her life was mapped out in front of her: She would be able to see all of her old friends again, her step-father would be prosecuted after a relatively easy trial and she could make amends with her mother.

There was only one uncertain among this well mapped out life. And that persons’ name was lighting up Trixie’s phone screen.

She picked it up and swiped it open with a shaky hand.

“Katya?”

“Trixie.”


End file.
